This evening

Suddenly papa called me

Asked me to trim his nails

I did it carefully

He started asking me about my recruitment proces

I know it’s his “way” to talk to his kids

To see us up close

But after I did it, he said it with shrilled voice

“tangan papa bengkak..”

My heart almost stopped

It kills me

And there I see it, his right hand, paralyzed hand, arms to palm, swollen like hell

I was panic, but try to stay calm as possible

Trying so hard to hold my tears

Idk, it really kills me

It kills me so hard

I had this moment before when he got cellulitis years back

When he starts losing concious

I thought I was gonna lose him

And this evening

It happened again

I can’t, I can’t continue my life if something happened to them

I can’t