I never thought this day would come
this epiphany that I never ask to come
suddenly I had this urge, to re-read our chats since the end of 2018
out of the desperation of having too much story to tell to you, but no one to come for
I re-read our chats
and shocked
shocked with your obvious signals
shocked with my responses
shocked with everything
how come, 2,5 years after not talking to you, after you completely gone out of my life, that I need to experience this
…………………………………….
back at 2017, with the last vivid memory I have about us, it was back on September
I swiped you right for your funny bio and your warm face
idk if I ever told you this, but I always had a thing with beardy guy lol
and we talked
and I think I never ever met someone with whom I feel so connected before
we speak the same language
that’s undeniable truth
and not so long after, we met
and I never thought after Umair, I’ll ever feel like that ever again
like you’re the person, that I’ve been looking for
In my unknown-abbys of mind, you-are-the-one
and I can’t help to fell head over heels for you
during that short encounter, I remembered we used to share what we had for lunch and talk about lots of things that I honestly forgot now, but I’m sure that was heavenly
because after that, I never fell so hard for someone, that unconditional, that I ever felt before
that I didn’t even know, what came into my mind
that I think, If we ever be together, I’ll work my ass off, just so that I can make sure that everything is alwaight so that you can do what you’ve always wanted in life
I never felt so optimisstic, so hopeful, so powerful, out of love, before
it felt like I can and will do ANYTHING for you
and that I want to see you happy, and don’t care much about myself
that unconditional….
but it all changed
after 6 weeks, you told me that you’re talking to other girl as well
and that you asked for my advice
I was shocked
and heartbroken
so broken, I can’t focus at work
I felt betrayed
you told me as it was nothing, for you
I was angry
and not long after, I guessed you also made it official to her, we stopped talking.
after that, idk what came to into me. I was so heartbroken, I vigorously use the dating app to compensate it
my silly stupid young me
and I met Yovi
the person that I had no connection whatsoever that I felt silly even by talking to him
but he promised me something that I’ve been looking for
something that i didn’t get from Umair
and you
somehing called commitment
to conceal the brokenheart, I said yes
and undiliberately also say yes to the misery I’ve experiencing for the next 9 months
It was all a huge mistake
a mishap
and again, I’m left broken. on the floor. to pieces.
so broken I never thought I’ll bounce to that place nor state again
I felt useless, worthless
and on October, you came
contacting me again
when the feelings I had for you, has long gone
but I remember, how nice we got along together
and I felt I need some company or otherwise, I’ll break
and you become my solace..
for 1.5 year
you were there for me
I remember I stubled upon this saying
“when you remember someone when you’re happy, it means you love them
but if you remember someone when you’re sad, it means they love you”
and I never thought, that this was the first sign that will lead me to this epiphany
because what I had in my mind, it was you
………………………………………………..
you have no idea
how much I think about you before
soo many things that i wanna tell you
like I used to before
but before this, it felt different
after we rekindle our friendship
my heart was still filled with my previous relationship
and I thought, my feelings for you is for nothing, I killed it
and I tried so hard to keep you and things as a friend, because I don’t wanna lose you
I’m afraid, if I initiate things, I’ll ruin everything
because what i felt, could be a one sided thing
and to my remembrance back then, you also gave me this mixed signal
that we’re just friends
and you just want us to be friends, not more
and that you always talked about wenny, about putri, kania, and other girls you met
I felt like, there’s no way, I got a place there
so don’t I dare, to think so
and I felt deeper and deeper and deeper into depression & loneliness
and fell for those ons stuff
apparently, that’s me breaking
and asking for helps
………………………………………………………
I still remember, at burger king
when I told you things about this guy I met
and what we did
your face turned pale and as if you’ve seen ghost
like I never saw that kind of expression before
and then you said things like I dissapointed you and hurted your feelings for so many times as well
and when I asked you to elaborate, you refused
I think, those times when I break and do stuff
those times, makes you feel different about me
…………………………………………………………
today, when I re-read our chats
I realize a lot of things
like, how different I am back then
like, how dumb, and bitter, immature and irresponsible
like, I was really in my worst condition
and no wonder it darken your judgement about me back then
so many times I found us missunderstood each other in those conversations
like, gue ganyambung bhai
and you took that seriously
clouding your judgement about me even worse
maybe it’s God’s way
but idk
…………………………………………………………..
when I re-read our chats
I can’t help but laugh
and cry
and laughing while crying
and I guess only you can do that to me
I cried, so hard. like I think one of the hardest cry I had after my hijra and when my mother was sick in these past 2.5 years
Back then, I was’t a good friend for you
my bad state, made me bitter
padahal back then, what I needed to do was just, hold you and let you know
how safe you are with me
and that you are enough
and that you can pursue anything you want in life
and you are loved
for an AMAZING person you are
the most beautiful-strong-kind-hearted-gentleman with a warm face you are
what kills me the most is that, I remembered when you’re there for me, but I weren’t there for you when you needed me the most
when you asked me to meet when you felt terrible, I talked about me instead
that’s one of the biggest mistake I’ve ever made I guess
that can’t be undone
………………………………………………………………..
I wish, we met now bhai
when I’m mentally fine
when I’m better
when I’m healed
when I’m happier
when I’m stronger and in the right state
it is so sad, to see that, whatever you told me back then, being rejected by the silly dumb younger me
I would be the same age as you were back then on 2019 now
and I know and understand EXACTLY what you mean on your messages
I knew and understand the mentality
bcs I thought our mind is really not that different
we have this same depth and complexity that no one has I think
and it all make sense for me now…
all of those things I want in a person, is in you
and I still questioned my inability to see that back then after I killed my feelings for you
all of those quality I’ve ever wanted in a best friend, in a partner, in a husband. in a leader and in a father for my children
is in you
and now I can’t imagine marrying someone else but you
I can never
…………………………………………………………..
I am now confused myself
Idk why, after 2,5 years of not talking
I got this epiphany after reading all of our chats again
and all of those signs you are the one
like back then on 2019 you told me about the series that’s really funny
called brooklyn 99 on one of those chat that I forgot and didn’t pay attention to
guess what? I am a huge fan of brooklyn 99 since 2021
and I found it myself
and I cried so hard when I found it on one of our convos
it’s just too many signs I can’t pinpoint one by one
but I’m just confused myself
like WHY??
WHY NOW??
like are you okay there? are you okay right now?
is everything okay with your life?
like, what should I do now?
………………………………………………………
my human side of me wish we met now bhai
it really kills me
to see you slipped through my finger
to see us missing on each other like that
I can’t see anyone for me to live perfectly with, but you
how we can get along so well and perfectly if we met on the right time..
but unfortunately
this is the price for me to pay
for all of my sins
for all of my past
and all of my mistakes
but I think this is one the huge tragedy that I have in my life
to see my soulmate, being married to someone else
and that I need to let you go
but I think I need to live with this
and need to finally say good bye
unlike those byebhai I used to say to you
but the real good bye
I’ll hold on to all of your beautiful message
that’s the least I can do
hold on to pieces of you
that I’ll preciously keep in my life
and that I wish you happiness
that I wish you happy with your family
nothing but goodness
thank you
for all the love back then
thank you for being my angel besides my mother in this world
no one, NO ONE will ever replace you in my heart
forever
