I always wanna go back in time

back to when I was a kid

I wish, I can be a better sister, a better big sister for my siblings

I wish they knew how much I love them

I wish they knew, what caused me to treat them back then it’s not something that I deliberately did

I was so angry

disappointed

and sad

especially to both of my parents

my whole life, I felt abandoned, I felt unheard

no one ever reside on my side

and I felt my siblings got more love than mine

my mother ALWAYS stick to my brother, always love him and be there for him more

my mother always closer with my sister, since they really got along together

and my father, the culprit of every misery in this family

and of course, seems like the things were never fair for me

I was so hurted, and immature

I did things that I’m not proud of as a sister

things that I can’t go back to

Coba kakak bisa lebih nyayangin lydia lagi waktu lydia kecil dulu..

coba kakak bisa lebih dengerin dan belain ivan dulu, dulu kita deket banget waktu kita kecil..

bener bener belajar banget dari sini

kalau seandainya Allah kasih amanah sebagai orangtua

gak akan beda-bedain anak

gak akan ignore anak pertama hanya karena jarak lahirnya berdekatan

Akan selalu ada dan dengerin mereka, perduli sama isi hati dan perasaan mereka masing-masing

karena ada di situasi kaya gini, udah gabisa nyalahin siapa-siapa

meanwhile the scar carved, permanently

and people see me as a bad person

padahal ada reason dibalik itu semua

but they never ask, never care, never understood

dan luka yg caused by siblings, itu pasti last long

terlebih they got huge expectations di anak pertama

but I guess life is never fair anyway

knowing that this life, is not meant to last

and that this is not the end of everything

and that we’re all responsible for things we do in this life

sooth me

because I know, I always fight, to be better.

to be a better daughter, to be a better sister, to be a better friend.

but still, it hurts

and killing

esp you feel helpless